while you still can

get all yours while you still can
'cause people won't know of me that much longer
spread the facts you want to spread and
matter of fact, spread another
have your way with what i could be
whatever it is that makes you happy
just make sure that it's worth my time
and not some half ass broken lines
'cause that seems to me to be all you got
...i guess that's fine
i just hope that someday in time
you'll care enough about yours as you do mine

flying

flying is the feeling of unconditional love
coming from those below and the one above
flying is the feeling of ultimate truth
knowing that love will see you through
flying is the feeling of living alive
knowing no matter what is to come
love will help you survive

the shit

janet jackson is the shit...hands down...no arguments...the shit.

season of giving

since it is the season of giving, i think we should all do our best to give what we can to help those affected by the earthquake/tsunamis in southeast asia...

you can donate here

come over here and getcha some

tell me i'm the only one
it's all for you
soon you'll be havin' fun
it's all for you
come over here and getcha some

it's all for you if you make a move...

addicted: anytime anyplace

in the thunderin' rain
you stare into my eyes
i can feel your hands
movin' up my thighs
skirt around my waist
wall against my face
i can feel your lips

i don't wanna stop just because
people walkin' by are watchin' us
i don't give a damn what they think
i want you now
i don't wanna stop just because
you feel so good inside of my love
i'm not gonna stop no no no
i want you, all i wanna say is

any time, and any place
i don't care who's around
any time, and any place
i don't care who's around

no no no no no oooooh

dancin' on the floor
feelin' the slow groove
my mind is starting to burn
with the vivid thoughts
strangers all around
with the lights down low

i was thinkin' maybe we could...
well...you know...

i don't wanna stop just because
people walkin' by are watchin' us
i don't give a damn what they think
i want you now
i don't wanna stop just because
you feels so good inside of my love
i'm not gonna stop no no no
i want you, all i wanna say is

any time, and any place
i don't care who's around
any time, and any place
i don't care who's around

i believe in love

see it ain't easy for me to open my heart and trust a total stranger
but i still believe that love would never put my heart in any danger
i just need to find the one who just wants to show me
how beautiful love can be
and even though i am scared, i know that he's out there
just waiting to set me free

like a flower waits to bloom in may
i'll be patient 'cause i believe in love
i may stand alone, but i won't give up
i'll be patient 'cause i believe in love
even through my fears, even through the pain
i won't run away 'cause i believe in love
and eventually love will bring to me the one for me
'cause i believe in love

some say that i should be bitter and untrustworthy
from all that i've been through
but why should i turn on love when it's never turned on me
it's never been untrue
and just 'cause somebody didn't know how to treat me
doesn't make love the blame
it just means i haven't met my ultimate soul mate yet
and for that i'm willing to wait

like a flower waits to bloom in may
i'll be patient 'cause i believe in love
i may stand alone, but i won't give up
i'll be patient 'cause i believe in love
even through my fears, even through the pain
i won't run away 'cause i believe in love
and eventually love will bring to me the one for me
'cause i believe in love

i believe in me
i believe in you
i believe in dreams
i believe in fate
i believe in love

like a flower waits to bloom in may
i'll be patient 'cause i believe in love
i may stand alone, but i won't give up
i'll be patient 'cause i believe in love
even through my fears, even through the pain
i won't run away 'cause i believe in love
and eventually love will bring to me the one for me
'cause i believe in love

...i believe in love by syleena johnson (one of the most beautiful songs i have ever hear in my life)

my dream (isn't the dream i thought it'd be)

i can't keep tryin'
hopin' my heart is lyin'
i can't keep focused
on illusions i hope to be real
i can't keep denyin'
what i feel inside my soul
i can't keep hopin', wishin', prayin'
that it'll all work out okay
it's not goin' how i hoped it to
it's not doin' what i want it to
it's not filling me like i need it to
it's just not what it seemed it'd be
i'm not pretending i know the answer
or have a shred of truth
it's just the simple fact
that i don't know what to do
i'm too weak to make a final thought
trusting life to take the lead
it breaks my heart to think my dream
isn't the dream i thought it'd be
i'm scared and sad and feeling numb
it's dark and i don't know what's to come

liar liar (part 2)

getting back to all this lying that i find myself doing...

it must happen in regards to christmas or something that is important, something that should have a good story behind it. i lied about what i got people saying i bought gift cards (i didn't) and that i already received three gifts (i haven't) and that i had to pay twenty quid to customs per gift (i didn't). even when people were shocked by what i had to pay, i still went along with it. i'm the strangest person i know.

around the way girl

i want a girl with extensions in her hair
bamboo earrings
at least two pair
a fendi bag and a bad attitude
that's all i need to get me in a good mood
she can walk with a switch and talk with street slang
i love it when a woman is scared to do her thing
standing at the bus stop sucking on a lollipop
once she gets pumping it's hard to make the hottie stop
she likes to dance to the rap jam
she sweet as brown sugar with the candied yams
honey coated complexion
using camay
lets hear it for the girl she's from around the way

i need an around the way girl
(around the way girl)
that's the one for me
(she's the only one for me)
i need an around the way girl
(she's all i'll ever need)

(you got me shook up shook down shook out on your loving)

silky, milky her smile is like sunshine
that's why i had to dedicate at least one rhyme
to all the cuties in the neighborhood
cause if i didn't tell you then another brother would
your sweet like sugar with your gangster talk
want to eat you like a cookie when i see you walk
with your rayon, silk or maybe even denim
it really doesn't matter as long as you're in them
you can break hearts and manipulate minds
or surrender act tender be gentle and kind
you always know what to say and do
cold flip when you think your man is playing you
not cheap but petty
you're ready for loving
you're real independent so your parents be bugging
but if you ever need a place to stay
(oooh you love me)
come around my way

i need an around the way girl
(around the way girl)
that's the one for me
(she's the only one for me)
i need an around the way girl
(she's all i'll ever need)

(you got me shook up shook down shook out on your loving)

perm in your hair or even a curly weave
with that new edition bobby brown button on your sleeve
i tell you come here
you say meet me half way
cause brothers been popping that game all day
around the way you're like a neighborhood jewel
all the home boys sweat you so you're crazy cool
wear your gold in the summer with your biking shorts
while you watching all the brothers on the basketball court
going to the movies with your home girls crew
while the businessmen in suits be hawking you
baby, hair pumping, lip gloss is shining
i think you in the mood for whining and dining
so we can go out and eat somewhere
we got a lot of private jokes to share
lisa, angela, pamela, renee i love you
you're from around the way

i need an around the way girl
(around the way girl)
that's the one for me
(she's the only one for me)
i need an around the way girl
(she's all i'll ever need)

(you got me shook up shook down shook out on your loving)

around the way girl by ll cool j (ladies love cool justin)

on the 16th

on the 16th i turned 22 and here's what i did...

i went to cardiff, wales with chris and had amazing thai food and amazing malaysian/indonesian food. i bought two cool books and then we went to see 'rain' by cirque eloise which is one of the most amazing things i've ever seen. it makes me want to join the circus - those people seem to be able to do it all! i also found some amazing good vegan fruit wine...doesn't have much of that 'wine' taste...good times all around.

that think called milk

ya you know that thing called milk?

well...there's this protein in it called casein.

and that think called casein?

yeah...it's used in glue.

i n i

some people talkin bout when judgement day will come
looking down upon those not down with their religion
you must believe in all they say and all they do
and if you don't then heaven's gates are closed to you
i do not subscribe to their philosophy
i don't think my god wants them judgin me
followin like i'm blind just wont do for me
god knows what's in my heart
that's why i got to be
ini

ini by amel larrieux

merry christmas to all the turkeys

be nice to yu turkeys dis christmas
cos' turkeys just wanna hav fun
turkeys are cool, turkeys are wicked
an every turkey has a mum.
be nice to yu turkeys dis christmas,
don't eat it, keep it alive,
it could be yu mate, an not on your plate
say, yo! turkey i'm on your side.
i got lots of friends who are turkeys
an all of dem fear christmas time,
dey wanna enjoy it, dey say humans destroyed it
an humans are out of dere mind,
yeah, i got lots of friends who are turkeys
dey all hav a right to a life,
not to be caged up an genetically made up
by any farmer an his wife.

...talking turkeys by benjamin zephaniah

old school love

i'm so glad you're my girl
i'll do anything for you
call you every night
and give you flowers to
i thank the lord for you
and think about you all the time
i ask him everyday
that you'll for-ever be mine

i wanna hold your hand
to show you i'll be there
i like to do the things
that let you know i care
i sing this lullaby
'cause girl you fill me full
i look into your eyes
you're so beautiful

oh girl i think i love ya
i'm always thinkin' of ya
i want ch-ya to know i do all for love
i love it when we're together
girl i need you forever
and i want you to know i do it all for love

i will never leave you sugar
this i guarantee
i look in to the future
i see you and me
knight in shining armor
i will be your fairy tale
i wanna take care of you
girl, i'll serve you well

i will be there for ya
to catch you when you fall
i'll hold you in my arms
that's where you belong
i sing this lullaby
'cause girl you fill me full
i look in to your eyes
you're so beautiful...beautiful...yeah!

oh girl i think i love ya
i'm always thinkin' of ya
i want ch-ya to know i do all for love
i love it when we're together
girl i need you forever
and i want you to know i do it all for love

yo-come here sweetheart
i want you to know something all right
see everyday in my life without you
would be like a hundred years
the distance between us
an ocean of tears
see all the things i do for you
are for love...dig it

all for lovin' (all for love)
all for you (you)
all for lovin' you...you...you...you

all 4 love by color me bad

Dumb

I never claimed to be your saviour
I said I had a dirty mouth
Stop analysing my behaviour
If you're too dumb to work it out

I've got to keep myself together
You know I hate to disappoint
A masochistic lamb to slaughter
Maybe you miss the point

I'm feeling small
I'm climbing the walls
I don't let it show

Now that you know what you know
I bet you wish you could let it go
You'll never come sucking your thumb
Better off dumb

Maybe I could write a letter
To help me with my self-esteem
You should get to know me better
No one's ever what they seem

I'm feeling small
Climbing the walls
I don't let it show

Now that you know what you know
I bet you wish you could let it go
You'll never come sucking your thumb
Better off dumb

You still don't know what you think of me
You still don't know what you mean to me
You still don't know what to think of me
You still don't know what you think of me

Now that you know what you know
I bet you wish you could let it go
You'll never come sucking your thumb
Better off dumb

Now that you know what you know
You're going to reap what you sow
Nothing will come sucking your thumb
Better off dumb

You still don't know what you think of me
You still don't know what you mean to me
You still don't know what to think of me
You still don't know what you think of me

You still don't know what I think of you
You still don't know what you think of me

...Dumb by Garbage

liar liar

so i was buying groceries today and at the checkstand the guy started talking about christmas and if i was ready for it etc. etc. i said i'm getting there etc. etc. then he asked me if i had all my christmas shopping done. i say 'not even close...i got a long way to go.' he asks me how many gifts i've bought and i say 'three.' then he asks how many do i have to get and i say 'i think about ten.'

but...basically everything that came out of my mouth was a lie. i don't have any more christmas shopping to do (unless it's for myself!) and i've bought more than three gifts and have more than ten people to buy gifts for. why do i lie like this so much?!

it happens ALL the time. i really have no reason for it other than that's just what comes out of my mouth. i guess i really should think about what i say before i say it but for some reason that process doesn't happen in my random conversations. maybe i just say whatever i feel will go with the flow? i have no idea...but that's my realization for the day...i lie like it's my job. i'm going to start taking note of these conversations so that i and anyone who reads this will fully understand the extent of my lying...it's horrible i tell you...horrible.

my story

i'm going to write a story about something sometime. hopefully i won't forget about it now that i've made this entry.

tomorrow is a new day

the soft imagination brought to life among your memory
heightens the emotions of love
as the gentle reminiscense of your textured words
weave layers of hope around my heart
it is not the day that confines my thoughts
for the sun reminds me of you
warming the skin of those under it's view
they can ask no more of life
smooth vibrations beneath the cotton threads of faith
encompass my yellow wish for freedom
beyond the golden manifestations
bleeding through the night time sighs
that regret the future mistakes
made reluctantly in coordination with the past
that once served as a constant flow
of fulfilling and depleating happenstance
tomorrow is a new day.

whatever your worries

whatever your worries. they're of no worth. life goes on. things will be. and you will be loved.

bored in so many ways

i'm so incredibly bored...

b-o-r-e-d...

BORED...

b0red...

BoReD...

bOrEd...

bored

BORED

bored

B0RED

boreD

boRed

BO-red

b.o.r.e.d.

'cause when...it's then

i've come so close to letting go
sharing how i feel for you to know
hoping you'd be there with open arms
but still i hold back only because
i don't know if i'm the man for you
could i give you all that i want to
you may not ask for much but that still ain't fair
'cause there's not enough in this world to show how i care
for you

'cause when
i think of you
it's then
that i get this humbled feeling
tellin' me to stop my dreaming
for you

i dream throughout the day and think all night
could i love you girl, could i do you right
with life in the way i don't know what to say
so i keep on with my dreamin' hoping someday
that i can grow to become a better man
a better man who surely can
do much more than just dream all day long
a better man who can write a better love song
for you

'cause when
i think of you
it's then
that these words just don't stop flowing
but there's just no use in hoping
for you

i've seen this girl
she works at the store on my block
pretty little girl so hot
feeling her for a minute coz she's got, what i want
she looks so good, her smile hypnotizes me
she's the finest thing i've ever seen
i could see her with somebody like me
so complete

but what
what if i told her how i feel
would she believe that i'm for real
what if this is just a crush, on a girl that i don't know
what if she's just a fantasy
maybe she's not the one for me
think i ought to let it be

i don't know her name or where she's from
she got me trippin' like she's the one
she will never know just how i feel
but i don't mind that
just wanna feel her lips on me
show her mad love while she's feelin' me
but i know that it's not meant to be
i don't mind that

i'm hooked
i'm sayin' yo she got that look
i feel just like an open book
and it's crazy how she got me shook, like this
i just freeze, when i see her walking down the street
with the body i just can't believe
never tried to make her notice me before

coz what
what if she's too hard to impress
what if it's something i'd regret
think i ought to let it be

i don't know her name or where she's from
she got me trippin' like she's the one
she will never know just how i feel
but i don't mind that
just wanna feel her lips on me
show her mad love while she's feelin' me
but i know that it's not meant to be
i don't mind that

...i don't mind that by lemar

the week

after a week of being suspended from the internet as a result of downloading movies and episodes of will & grace to help me get through this thing called grad school...

i buzzed my mohawk
i started a list of wedding songs to play at my wedding if that happens
i started a list of names for a kid/kids if that happens
i finally found a nice warm jacket that i like amidst this crazy english fashion
i finished one paper and still don't want to do the other three
i bought some cool books
i walked around bristol some more
i finally got my flatmates into a club
i saw phantom of the opera
i found some vegan mince pies
i bought two bottles of wine even though i don't even really like wine
i cussed out my computer on frequent occassions
i have become accustomed to the cold weather
i still think the nights come too soon and the days go by way too quickly

londontown

so time is getting tough right now but all i'm gon' focus on here is the good times i just had...

i went into london this past weekend to visit good ol' mike and had the best time i've had so far. we started out eating at wagamama at leicester square...his first time and an obviously great start. after wagamama we walked around and saw a bunch of sights, went to a really cool halloween-esque pub, walked through the amazing tate modern museum, and went to carnaby street so i could get some sweatsop-free clothing from american apparel...bought some good stuff. then came the crazyness of the weekend...

we ended up going to this club called 'fabric' with a couple of his friends. it was supposedly the best club in london and after going i have no doubt as to why it has such a title. we ordered tickets early so we didn't have to wait in the massively long ridiculously long line...basically we were VIP. anyway...this place was an old cold-storage place for meat back in the day and was all underground. there were three different rooms - hip hop, rave, and jungle - and one or two bars for each room. all of it was dark except for a small room where graffitti artists were doing some of their stuff. there were live rap mc's in the hip hop room mixed with amazing dj's all night long. everyone....EVERYONE...there was so incredibly hardcore. this place is like the ones you see in the movies...i could have never imagined actually going to a place like this. outside on the stairways there were drunks, make-out whores, and druggies all sprawled out under the neon blue lights. we went into the rave room for about 20 minutes but i'm glad we left when we did...i couldn't have lasted much longer in that place. in the hip hop room where i was at home...there was more hood rat hoochie mama's than i've ever seen in my life. girls kept trying to grind on this and i had to back off to let them know they can't touch it...they were either drunk, too skanky, or not attractive (how sad that i said that)...i hope what i seemed to attract doesn't reflect on me...that's a shame if it does. anyway...the night was great. i loved the live hip hop, the dj's were incredible, and it was good to just let go with something i love so much. i haven't danced in so long...dayum that felt good!

after closing at 5am...we left fabric and got back to mike's place around 7 after our aimless wandering. woke up at 2 the next day...went in for thai food, went on the london eye - which was incredible, ate an amazing vegan dinner at a south indian restaurant, and saw 'i love huckabees'. the movie was great on so many levels...expressing environmental concerns being one.

the weekend was all-around amazing. i had such an incredible time. we had great conversations about all kinds of random things and it just felt good to be back with someone from home for a good portion of time hanging out and having fun. it put grad school in its place when it comes to importance in my life right now. i wanna go back and do it all over again. someday.

for now...i gave myself a mohawk.

hurting, wanting, feeling alone

i just wanna go home
so i can rest my soul
it's tired of hurting
it's tired of wanting
it's tired of feeling alone

it's tired of tears falling on these pages
smearing the words and blurring the phrases
falling back and forth between different stages
left on its own viewing life in liquid gazes

despite its attempts to overcome and move on
it presents itself with moments foregone
and allows its existence to be so withdrawn
that it can't bring out any courage to be strong

it wants to be back in the comfort of others
where it can come out from under the covers
live in the light and have time to discover
all that it's missed and help it recover

and now that the moment of sadness has passed
the pages have dried with memories of the past
though they haven't and will never be surpassed
my soul is content and can rest a bit at last

but i still wanna go home
so i can rest my soul
it isn't done hurting
it isn't done wanting
it'll still be feeling alone...

dark love song

so i try to scribble down the dapperness i feel
just so i can hide myself from the heart that longs to find me
it should seem so easy when i can feel it beating in me
but i can't let it effect the emotions that aren't real

so these emotions stir up hurricanes
and pour down heavy on my soul
my pride is washed away although
it'll surely dry up within a period of days

so these days go by over and over and once more
i dry up, i crack up, i live desperate for anything
that can somehow fill the depths deeply dividing
the emotional tiles so precicesly defined on the floor
of my love

so this dark love song
is muddled all around
love doesn't make a sound
love does not belong

so this layout of my ability to love
is not one planned for the betterment of possibilities
these divisions permit only certain abilities
to present a formidable strength tough enough

so this strength is one of pure happenstance
no commonality does it share
though i try to spread it here and there
still i'm forced to leave it up to chance

so this chance may come as it so chooses
and i hope it comes in due time
and i hope it overcomes a lack of rhyme
so that my dark love song is the one that loses
to my love

so this dark love song
is muddled all around
love doesn't make a sound
love does not belong

in this dark love song
love does not belong